Pastor's Message, April 26 2015 - Contract or Covenant

April 26th

Contract or Covenant?

(Two Broken & Diverse People)

 

Marriage is under attack.   But it’s too important to surrender.  It’s not hateful to boldly defend what God has ordained.

1 Corinthians 11:3 (NASB)

But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

 

Matt Chandler said in his book, “The Mingling of Two Souls”: (P.102)

Sometimes when people talk about marriage, they talk about partnership in a good, biblical way.  But sometimes when they say marriage is partnership, they make it sound like a business arrangement.  “You need to give fifty-fifty,” they might say.

But this is terrible advice.  It is worldly advice.  It does not reflect the reality of marriage is a reflection of the unique reality of the gospel.  After all, Jesus Christ did not say to sinners in need of redemption, “Meet Me halfway.  Let’s go fifty-fifty on this deal.”

No, Marriage is not a contract; it is a covenant.

At a wedding ceremony, then, we have to be careful come vow time.  The bride and groom turn away from the minister, face each other, and make profound promises.  The vows are their public profession of commitment to one another.  They announce in their vows before many witnesses what they mean to do.

 

The vows must never be contractual.  Never, ever, ever.  If the vows were explicitly contractual, we’d probably all gasp and realize the marriage is headed for trouble.  We would certainly recognize something was wrong if the couple turned to each other and the bride said, “Look, I’m in this thing as long as you mow the lawn,” or if the groom said, “Well, I’ll stick around so long as you keep the dishes clean and the laundry done.” 

If we heard vows like that, we’d know right away that the couple was thinking contractually.  While hardly any couples exchange vows with conditions like that, way too many couples treat their vows like that in their hearts. 

Since we are sinners, our natural responses in relationships usually hinge on what might be gained.  We tend to turn all our relationships into contractual arrangements of some kind.

Ø  We’ll sacrifice for our spouse if she deserves it.

Ø  We’ll submit to our spouse if he agrees with me.

Ø  We’ll serve our spouse if she’ll serve me in return. 

These kinds of thoughts bear no resemblance to the gracious covenant God makes with us.

In a covenant, we don’t barter around services.  We’re not trying to get under a tax shelter.  We’re entering into a relationship in such a way that we give ourselves to one another.  Vows are not a contract.  They’re a covenant.  They sound like traditional promises: “For better or for worse.  For richer or for poorer.  In sickness and in health.  Till death do us part.”  That’s covenantal language.

In the covenant of marriage, husband and wife give themselves to each other.  It’s not fifty-fifty; it’s one hundred – one hundred.  At any given time either spouse won’t have 100% to give, but this does not diminish the other’s commitment because they are not in a contract but a covenant.  As in the covenant of grace initiated by God to save sinners, one party can give 100 percent even if the other gives nothing.

In a gospel-centered marriage, you give yourself to your spouse regardless of the goods or the services because that’s what true love is and because that’s what glorifies God.

If everything goes great and you find out as you start your life together that the marriage is exactly what you expected, you’re in.

But if you’re like every other normal human being and things get a little problematic, and you find out you married a sinner who’s got some crazy he or she was hiding away, you’re still in.

This is why Biblical marriage is so serious – and why divorce is so serious.  Ephesians 5 helps us see the weight of the glory of the gospel.  Submission is weighty.  Sacrifice is weighty.  They are weighty like the good news of Jesus Christ is weighty.  They are as heavy like the cross. 

And in forgiving and loving our sinful spouse, we begin to understand - on a much smaller scale - what it meant for our holy God to forgive and redeem us.

God’s relationship to the church is not contractual; it’s covenantal.  And what’s mind-blowing about God’s covenantal love toward the church is that God fulfills the obligations of both parties!

When we love with no expectation or promise of getting something back, we know what it means to sacrifice and deny ourselves in ways we wouldn’t otherwise. 

As in the gospel, in marriage we may also begin to see that the grace that attracts us will sustain us.  In God’s covenant with His people, He doesn’t just initiate the covenant in grace; He also enables our ability to respond rightly to the covenant He initiated.

Pastor Chip Ingram wrote a book at few years back concerning relationship and marriage.

He wrote that the Bible talks about two commands that are at the core of loving people God’s way:

Ephesians 5:1-2 NASB

(1) Be imitators of God, as beloved children; (2) and walk in love,

just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us,

as offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

When you thing about your marriage being a contract or covenant a good example of this can be stated this way:

Contract - Hollywood’s Way

Four Steps:

1. Find the right person.

2. Fall in love.

3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for our future fulfillment.

4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, and 3.

 

Covenant - God’s Plan

God’s Step #1:

Instead of looking for the right person, become the right person!

God’s step #2:

Instead of falling in love, walk in love!

God’s step #3:

Instead of fixing your hopes and dreams on another person, fix your hope on God and seek to please Him through this relationship

God’s step #4:

If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2, and 3

 

The fourth step for God’s covenant marriage is the same as Hollywood’s – contract marriage - its just plays out differently. Both Hollywood and God recognize an unavoidable feature of human relationships – failure.  When it comes to failure in a relationship, the real question isn’t if but when. When it happens, you go back to the beginning.  You walk through steps… imitate God, walk in love, fix you hope on God, and seek to please him in every one of your relationships.

Pastor Tony Evans wrote:

Many of us are disturbed in our homes.  Rather than being married by the justice of the peace, it looks like we’ve been wedded by the secretary of war.

A man and a woman were being married by their preacher.  The preacher asked if anyone had any just reason why the marriage should not occur.  He told them to “speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

A voice rung our loud, over the whole church, crying, “I object, I object, I object!” 

The preacher said, Be quiet, you are the groom, you can’t object!”

 

Now last week we look at Ephesians 5:21-33, but I skipped verses 22 – 24…

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NASB)

(22) Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. (23) For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. (24) But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

From these verses I don’t think Paul is not saying that love and respect shouldn’t both be expressed by each spouse.  I think God’s Word is cleverly yet clearly pointing out that God has created the women with a unique need to be loved and men with a unique need to be respected. 

These needs are related to God’s design of the man in a position of loving headship and the woman in a position of respectful helpmate.  Practically speaking, a wife can more easily respect her husband if she feels loved.

A wife who feels loved will more naturally submit to her husband’s lead.  After all, he’s acting in love for her.  Likewise, when the husband feels respected he’s more confident to lead his wife and to love her sacrificially.

When his unique need is being met, his desire is to meet her unique need.

There’s a mutually beneficial and fulfilling enjoyment of each other.  In giving and receiving, there’s equality.  Neither his need nor hers is superior.  Although the needs are distinct, both are equally worthy of being fulfilled.

In Counter-Culture David Platt shared:

Women often find it easier to love their husbands than to respect them.  A woman can sit with other women and speak about her husband disrespectfully but then quietly go home and care for his needs.  Why?  Because she loves him. But the more important questions is, does she respect him?  When a wife is trying to work on a troubled marriage, she may tell her husband that she loves him, which is what she would like to hear.  But again, the more important questions is, “does she respect her husband, and does she tell him that she respects him?” 

A wife may think, My husband doesn’t work hard enough or do enough to earn my respect. But even then, might a wife be buying into the unbiblical lie that respect is purely based on performance?  In the same way a selfless love for his wife is based on God’s charge to him, isn’t a wife’s selfless respect for her husband based on God’s charge to her?

So wives, you’re in a complementary, not competitive, relationship with your husband.  Yield to leadership in love, knowing you’re representing the church’s relationship with Christ.

Behold the beauty of God’s design for man, woman, and marriage: 

Ö      Two broken people - both molded in the image of their Maker. 

Ö      Two diverse people - uniquely designed to complement each other. 

Ö      A male and a female - fashioned by God to form one flesh.

Ö      A physical bond between two bodies where the deepest point of unity is found at the greatest point of difference.

Ö      A matrimony marked by unity in diversity, equality with variety, and personal satisfaction through shared consummation.

Last week I asked husbands to take some time this week and ask your bride this question:

“How can I love you and lead our marriage better?”

This week I am going to ask the brides to take some time this week and ask your husbands:

1)   What can I do to make you feel more respected and loved?

2)   What concerns, if any, do you have regarding showing me unconditional love?